Mourning the living

I watched Blake walk back into the apartment to get ready for the block party.  Everything went silent and still.  I may have even stopped breathing.  I knew what Leo was going to say next.  I wanted to stick my fingers in my ears and hum.  I wanted to get up and run away.  I wanted to put my hand over his mouth.  Anything to stop the words from coming out.

"I'm positive."

My mind wasn't silent anymore, I was screaming inside my head.  I didn't know what to say.

"Are you serious?", is all that came out.

"Yes.  I didn't want to tell you earlier in front of everyone else and I didn't want to ruin your day."

I was quiet.  Leo was quiet.  We sat there and sipped our margaritas, I lit a cigarette.  It felt like an eternity sitting there waiting for someone to say something.  It could have been me but someone started crying.  We talked a little bit, but the conversation was a blur.  I hugged Leo and didn't want to let go, but we had to pull ourselves together, it was time for the fireworks and Blake had no idea what was going on.

As we sat in Loring Park watching the gold, purple, blue, red flashes in the sky I thought to myself that maybe it wasn't real, I was having a bad dream.  I reached over and grabbed Leo's hand and squeezed it, he squeezed back.  It was real.

I've always been a very logical person and know that the treatments for HIV are very successful in battling the onset of AIDS, but my mind couldn't help but remember all the movies and TV specials I had seen about the AIDS epidemic.  I could picture Leo laying in bed with sores all over his thinned body.  I could see him experiencing cold sweats.  I could see myself being by his side through all of this and I was scared.

Leo and I decided to skip the block party.  We returned to the backyard of our apartment and our margaritas.  We talked about what was next.  What kind of treatment, if any, he would have to go through.  We talked about when he may have contracted it.  We talked about how he was feeling, if he felt sick at all.  We cried some more.  It was like we were mourning the living.

Rays of sunlight started to peak through the trees and spill across the rooftops.  I was exhausted, I had never had such an emotional night in my entire life.  We decided it was time for bed.  It was mid morning before I was finally able to close my eyes and sleep.